Tuesday, September 15, 2009

a ramble

i must say, God has definitely done something right when it comes to those I call, friends. In my stubborness, in my selfishness, and the overwhelming list of flaws-- two very special people specifically have remained patient and humble with me and in their listening, i am able to listen to myself, to discover my own mistakes as lesson landscapes. When they speak, it reaches me deep, in the heart of my ear. I owe many apologies for the ways in which my ignorance may have hurt others and at 22 years old, I have had many expectations to fulfill. At times, in my own conviction, they have believed in wisdom far more than age. Most times, this is a blessing. Except of course when people I love and even I, forget that I am still learning. At this very important time in my life, I recognize a transition in thought, the motion of perception. When you are a child and when you think as a child, the world is at once, always happening to you and then there is this budding of new light where one becomes aware that perhaps you can make things happen. This is where I find myself more times than not, a lost girl convinced of womanhood. Yet, in moments I am secretly rebellious of terms and societal projections. I do not want to be a traditional word found, woman or person. Rather, I delight in the thought of trans formative power. The science-fiction fan in me, imagines myself another woman, in a world of magical understanding and precise encounter of otherly modes of engaging with the world and relationships. But then, of course, I am a woman of this world. And I was raised by a heart broken woman, an influence that continues to teach me, just how vulnerable I am to the touch of this earth. There are things I wish I could defy, ways of existing I truly believe I can enact. Yet and still, I am clumsy for attention, for spite, for everything inadequate and so controversial. I love the vulnerability in myself I used to despise in my mother and other women. This is my dilemma, my sickening disgust. I will maybe push away everyone I have ever loved, subconsciously, believing that they have left me somehow, abandoned me, that I am alone. I used to be more certain of myself, of the way I saw this world and our relationships. Now, I feel as though I know nothing more than my soul and even then, I am confused in its expression. I want to convey so many things to those I hold most close and they'll never know, how simple I am in my need to love above all things. At some point, I do hope though, to find a love as grand and confused as mine, as atrocious and whimsical as this. Maybe even teach me new ways to see this, to learn this, I am willing to learn--but I am definitely compelled by what I know. I simply want to believe in the crazy communion of warped love, in endless possibility...I want to know what it means to live as though every day is another chance, each day is a new prayer to each other, to the best of us, in each of us...I have lost many things in this life, have had to put many lives to rest, and I am still trying to figure out how to mourn and cope while growing and celebrating potential. May i continue to meet people who baffle my understanding of existence. May those I already know continue to teach me how to love differently, always. I hope to be something new for people, something fresh, and reminiscent of home, of life and joy.....


1 comment:

  1. a replica of my silent thoughts.
    i feel where you are coming from.